My 50th blog post today! There was a time when I thought about giving it up but then I started reading my cousin's blog again and was inspired to try to keep this up- although sometimes I do wonder what the whole point of it is. Mostly comes down to keeping a record of days that fly by and hopefully some of it will be of interest to Master Carr when he is a little older and some of it will jog my prematurely senile memory down the line.
I cannot believe how quickly this year is already flying by and how quickly my little boy is growing up. I keep looking at him and thinking- ok we're still cool- you're still a baby- but I know one day- I will look at him and see a little boy. I try to imagine him as a baby baby and already it is hard. Already I am awkward again when I pick up his cousin, Riley who is exactly a year behind him because she was born a year to the day on his birthday. I cannot believe he was ever so small.
I sometimes wish that I could lead the life of a young Buddha. Princely life and vast wealth aside- he was protected from seeing death or anything miserable in his early years. I hate hearing sad news. This morning my maid phoned me to let me know that her sister's 3 month old baby had died. It is not clear how though. As a mother- this kind of news is so upsetting. I feel angry. Angry at the way people have to live in this country. Angry about politicians who don't give a rat's arse and misspend money that should be spent on the upliftment of their people. Angry- that babies should suffer and die. Why? Adds to my ongoing crisis of faith.
I told a colleague that I am a Christian but that at the moment (lasting about the last 2 years) I am having a crisis of faith. Being blonde, I laughed about 2 hours later when I finally got his joke that he is the Captain of the Crises (High Seas- get it? Duhh!). I know we aren't meant to understand everything. We are supposed to accept certain things on faith. But how how how do you accept a loving God who allows all of this shit to happen? How do you have faith that he is loving? I know the purists would chastise me and say that He is not a great big Santa Clause in the sky- that He is also a God of Wrath and a jealous God. Still. I am grasping and finding no straws. I pray to God every night- that in Jesus name he would keep me and my family safe. I am grateful in the morning when we are. I pray when I see or hear something sad. But I battle on with my weak faith, with my lack of comprehension, with my wishing it were different and that we could all lead the life of a young Buddha- protected from these things.
This morning on my way to work- as I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic- I saw a fight between 2 men. The one was threatening the other with a broken bottle and the other one looked like he was trying to talk him out of an imminent attack. There must have been at least 50 eyes on this scene. All of us sat in our cars. All of us doing nothing. I considered rolling down my window and shouting at the threatner. But what do you shout? Stop that now you pesky man!!!? Run along you varmint!? Click your heels together three times Dorothy and get the fuck out of here!? Very quickly the mind makes certain deeply ingrained evolutional computations and the save-your-own-arse programme kicks in. Because I am stuck here and what if I shout at the numbnuts and he decides to come over here and bring his game with? What do you do? I know I would want someone to do something to help me if I were in that situation. I drove off and called the police. But still wonder- what was the right thing to do there?
Anyway- Grey's Anatomy tonight- yay!yay! I have just received an e-mail from my young brother- sending greetings from Lagos.
Today's treasures; an e-mail from my brother, having a brother as wonderful as mine is, that Monday is almost over, that I managed to summon up the discipline from goodness knows where to drag my ass out of bed this morning at 4.50 am to go to gym, that today I get the disc from Leanne with all the photos that she took of Christopher this month, and that finally my cousin, grumpy as she is - has blogged. I was getting withdrawal symptoms.
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